We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
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