Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Randomize
