i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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