WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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