i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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