it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
