1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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