we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
