The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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