I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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