Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
