I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
