my mouth tastes like poor choices
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
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