I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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