dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
