i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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