i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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