My hair reeks of homosexuality.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
