Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
