hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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