What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Randomize
