The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
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