I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
