and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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