did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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