no, he came in my armpit
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
