im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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