Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
