My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
the day after is always just damage control
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
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