My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
