I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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