I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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