apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
