She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
