saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
