I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Well I just put wine in my tea
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
