my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
You made out with two different species that night
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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