Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
What a fucking waste of an outfit
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
