I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
