Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
