Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize