On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
