I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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