Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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