I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
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