my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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