Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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