If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
