brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
