he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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