last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
