Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
