Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
