everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
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