HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
