We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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