Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
