a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Randomize
