you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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