Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Randomize
